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Inspirational Melanie Moat Quote

"I have always been very experimental with my style. I work at the clothing store Anthropologie and I have to constantly be thinking about styling and clothing and trends and seasons when I personal shop for people. But I buy strictly secondhand or extremely reduced priced clothes for myself. Im very frugal with my fashion. I get clothes by the garbage bag full from my friends and i make due with whatever I have. If I wore my "normal clothes" Id wear a tshirt and jeans to work, but I prefer to pretend like Im acting when I go to work, so I dress in what I imagine a stereotypical "Anthropologie employee" in my mind wears. I wear high waisted skirts and lacy tops and pretty belts and I pay close attention to details like pins and earrings and seasonal colors. I wear heels to work. I just like to pretend. To be honest, I kinda use this mentality every single time I get dressed. If Im going to a rock concert, I imagine what I picture a cool person at a rock concert is wearing. I throw on a vintage band tee, some skinny jeans, a cool jacket, a chunky necklace, tousle my hair and do dramatic makeup. When Im going to the gym I wear what I imagine the girls at the gym should wear. A bright colored tank top/ sports bra combo, black leggings, clean face, a clean ponytail and cool sneakers. I really just pretend like my life is a movie and I have to outfit myself accordingly."

As of Now ...

So, things haven't been going all that well as of late.  And by "all that well" I mean they've been SUCKING.  My Obaasan & Ojiisan have moved in with us so now I [help] take care of them.  Putting it like that makes it seem like such a small deal but believe me, it is absolutely NOT.  Also, I am babysitting this kid who lives across the street and hangs out with my brother.  Until recently I have realized JUST how annoying, rude & impatient this brat is.  So besides this my upcoming school life & friend-life is gonna suck becauase I have no 'best friend' anymore and to be honest, without one it just makes me feel like all my other friend-relationships have no worth anymore.  Anyways, to be less depressing I have $50 (plus $75 @ the end of this week) so I plan to buy :

A cute new piece
Weeds season 4
Sephora Make Up
New clothes
Presents for Jeffrey :) <3

Well this entry didn't really turn out as articulate and insightful as I had hoped but oh well, I think it got my point across clear-enough. 

*Push*

 I REALLY dislike seeing all my crappy posts :/ I wish I was able to put all my experiences and memories from this year into words but I'm unable to so I guess I'll just have to use this for now.

Ahhh!!! So Busy!!

Ahhh!!! So much work lately!! I have Fashion Trip Money (not necessarily work but still), English chapter, rap and newspaper article and Religion ISU >___<''' Agh! Got to stop procrastinating!!

I know it...

(Sorry to push your post down, B >__<)  

Anyways; I KNOW you guys have been talking about me, and I KNOW you aren't what you make yourself out to be.  Just know this : FUCK YOU!!

My Best Friend's Note on her life

Okay so It's not who you think it is. This is her best friend.

So it drives me insane that a girl like her can just live her life as messed up as it is. Honestly I pity the fool. I want to tell her her own truth, I know she doesn't know everything about herself.

Maybe it's my own fault thinking this way but why do people prefer me talking about girls than guys? I have my interests in guys but they find it awkward when I talk about it. I hate it alot. I'm straight, so why can't I speak my views on who is hot and who is not? Only my closest friends understand that.

I don't like Justin Biebher. I really don't I heard that on a haters site a fan was arguing and one of the members said he was a loser in highschool and had no friends. Don't judge me wrong but someone perfect like that, must have issues. Now you got more than most of the young female population loving you. Thats why I don't understand.

So maybe I'm homo with girls... I think thats my own problem. I think it's cause I feel like they are gonna disappear. Maybe it's cause I'm single. I don't know. Or I believe that it's the fact that I do these things to test their trust.

I think I'm a bad person. People I've liked in the past, I find it really hard to be "Just Friends" But the real truth is thats what I really want. I want you to like me, as a friend. I miss those times and I know it's my fault. My emotion shouldn't get in the way of my friendship. I have to always remember that.

Life in my house is hard. It's like a prison. I know they love me but thinking that my older (half)brother and (half)sister messed up their lives is wrong. They are living their life happily but feel that that isn't acknowledged. No one is truly perfect.

What I want most in life is to be Appreciated. I think this is cause of my family. They don't tell me that I'm appreciated. They just tell me all of my faults.

My family also believes that I don't dress properly. The truth is, I don't. I don't care too much of this because I'm more interested in the future technology....

Yep. I think that relieves me for a bit. Thats actually everything that bothers me. Thanks for letting me post this and I just wanna tell you, anything you two do make me happy. Like I wanted, I don't wanna get too involved. I'm here to support you. :)

Ps. Sorry for any bad grammer ^_^;

Letting Go

I'm going to write this entry, in the hopes it will help me to let go of all my negative feelings.


I like you so much; I want you to be happy but I don't feel that I'm good enough for you.  Everytime I see you guys hanging out I feel envious, yet not completely jealous.  They say you're the one with the low-self esteem, the feeling that you're not good enough [for me].  Well I want to let you know; it's the complete opposite.  I don't want this to always affect me; I'm in a good mood, then I see you and it gets me thinking of things and that, in turn, puts me in a bad mood.  I'm sorry.

You were my best guy friend, we told each other our secrets, funny stories and shared mostly everything.  But I put my negative feelings towards other people, in the way of our friendship and so I stopped talking to you.  I am so sorry.  I am unbelievably sorry.  I don't think I have ever felt so bad or cried so much; over a friend.  You mean so much to me and I don't want to see you go; so I am going to put up a fight.  I was an absolute asshole!!  I know you are mad at me but please .. please; try not to be.  I want to go back to the way we were sooo badly!!  :( I miss you ssooo much.  I'm sorry if this sounds corny or stupid or anything else that is negative but everything here is true.

You are hated by so many people; you are found annoying by some and awkward by others.  I try to talk to you about 'certain things' but you just open your fat mouth and tell him in the end, and vice versa.  You constantly complain about your 'love life' and your family life well guess what?  Other peoples lives suck just as much or maybe even more.  When I try to let you know this, you over-look it and brush it off; saying "I don't know how hard it is".  Well guess what again : I do.  Your life is NOWHERE near as bad as mine is, so get over it and move on.     

Histrionic Personality Disorder

"Histrionic personality disorder (HPD) is defined by the American Psychiatric Association as a personality disorder characterized by a pattern of excessive emotionality and attention-seeking, including an excessive need for approval and inappropriate seductiveness, usually beginning in early adulthood. These individuals are lively, dramatic, enthusiastic, and flirtatious."

1. To not be able to see that you are overly flirtatious, have gone too far with your relationship and that you have a unnatural need for attention; would be absolutely impossible.

"They may be inappropriately sexually provocative, express strong emotions with an impressionistic style, and be easily influenced by others. Associated features may include egocentrism, self-indulgence, continuous longing for appreciation, feelings that are easily hurt, and persistent manipulative behavior to achieve their own needs."

2.  There is so much that is relevant to you here, that it would require its own paragraph for a full and thorough description.  But since I do not have the time or the energy to do so, I will just describe this briefly.  According to many, including yourself (who I doubt the most) you are already, not a virgin ... this does not require any response from me - WHAT-SO-EVER.  Ever since grade 9, you have needed all the attention, you tried to dress more seductively than was appropriate at your age, you took offence to the slightest negative comment and you have, in the simplest sense - become a bitch.

 

"Mnemonic

A mnemonic that can be used to remember the criteria for histrionic personality disorder is PRAISE ME:[3][4]

  • P - provocative (or seductive) behavior
  • R - relationships, considered more intimate than they are
  • A - attention, must be at center of
  • I - influenced easily
  • S - speech (style) - wants to impress, lacks detail
  • E - emotional lability, shallowness
  • M - make-up - physical appearance used to draw attention to self
  • E - exaggerated emotions - theatrical"
3) P = Absolutely
     R = Always has
     A = Definitely
     I   = Copycat
     S = Changes frequently
     E = Exact description
 
     M = Changes constantly depending on what I look like that day
     E = ALL the time!!!

"Theodore Millon identified six subtypes of histrionic [8][9]. Any individual histrionic may exhibit none or one of the following:

  • Theatrical histrionic - especially dramatic, romantic and attention seeking.
  • Infantile histrionic - including borderline features.
  • Vivacious histrionic - synthesizes the seductiveness of the histrionic with the energy level typical of hypomania.
  • Appeasing histrionic - including dependent and compulsive features.
  • Tempestuous histrionic - including negativistic (passive-aggressive) features.
  • Disingenuous histrionic - antisocial features. "
4) I believe that these are the ones you have :

Theatrical Histrionic - You have created fake stories, scenarios, and relationships for who-knows-why ..

Infantile Histrionic - You can be happy and smiling one minute, then the next you are angry and seclusive.

------------------------------------------

You obviously have many physcological problems that may, or may not be Histrionic Personality Disorder.  That is not up to me to decide but just beware; you have been exposed as a lier, a fake and a bitch (not that, that was not obvious before).

My Life so Far

As i'm starting on this piece [of writing] I know that it won't exceed or even meet, my expectations.  I would love to look back at this and be able to think 'hmm, I wrote a nice, long, descriptive story', but I know that won't happen due to time constraints and a lack of material.  So how may I begin?  ...  I think i'll write a list to "ease" into my writing.

1. I haven't felt normal for a loong time.
2. I have unfortunately relapsed.
3. I believe myself to have depression & anger management issues.
4. I am becoming increasingly annoyed by the people around me.
5. I would rather be anywhere than at home.
6. After writing only a few list items, it occurs to me how messed up I am.

I am going to elaborate on these points :

1) It seems that if one little thing upsets me I try to push by it and move on but in the end I tend to think about it a lot.  I used to be very energetic, I loved to draw and I would be in one continuous happy mood but nowadays I am happy through 1st and 2nd period then by 3rd I'm very grumpy. 

2) I've been having hard times lately so I snapped and just relapsed; so I have some cuts along my left arm and on my legs.  Which sucks because I was hoping to wear this off the shoulder shirt I bought .. I guess that's not going to happen.

3) Lately, I've been realizing quite a few things about me, i.e. When I'm mad I use violence as well as foul language, when I'm sad or annoyed I become quite and/or ignore that person e.t.c.  I would like to see a physcologist about these things, but I know that I would just be wasting my money so for now I'll just get through it quietly.

4) This started a few weeks ago; people were commenting on how my mood was bringing them down and all I could think was : "what the fuck does my mood have to do with you?  If you don't like me when I'm feeling like that then just leave me alone or ignore me because I'm pretty sure I have a viable reason for feeling the way I do."  Now I expressed those feelings (and almost those exact words) to the people that have been annoying me and as usual it just blew up in my face; so I am going to try and bear other peoples annoying tendencies.

5) Being at home is like being trapped inside a horrible drama.  It is loud, annoying and worst of all, scripted.  It seems like I know what everyone is going to say, right before they say it; that is how usuall things are becoming around here.  I stay on the computer too long, my dad or mom yells, I stay on the computer too long and my sisters tattle on me.  I annoy them, we get into a fight, dad & Ethan are wrestling and then Ethan gets hurt and so he starts to cry e.t.c. e.t.c.

6) I believe that this number is self explanatory.

I am going to be posting much more frequently on LJ, in hopes to release some of my pent-up emotions, among other things.


Selling...

I will be selling my various manga books and will be taking commissions (as in drawings, pastel paintings e.t.c)  Manga books will be 10.00 for those in good condition and 8.00 for those that aren't.  I have these titles :

Vampire Knight - Vol. 2 & 3 Good Condition.
Magical Miracle - Whole Series vol. 1 - 6; most in Good Condition.
Love Attack - Vol. 1 - Good Condition.
St. Lunatic High School - Whole Series vol. 1 - 2 Good Condition.
Kamichama Karin - Vol. 1 & 2 Good Condition
Gunslinger Girl - Vol. 1 & 2 - Slightly Good Condition
Rosen Maiden - Vol. 1 - Good Condition
Ranma 1/2 - Vol. 24 - Slightly Good Condition

** Buying is actually only available to those that go to my school :P I just wanted to get this out there and to advertise on LJ.  Thank you if you show(ed) any interest :]